Strange Request
by ThePerfidiousAlbion
Summary: A bit of crack written in a fit of late-night inspiration. The royal family is interrupted by a late-night phone call from Gold, who is rather in need of some assistance. Will Charming step up and help a brother out? Suggestive language. Snowing, Rumbelle.


Disclaimer: I neither own nor profit from these characters/ stories.

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The sudden, shrill sound of the ringing telephone startled Charming and his wife into wakefulness. Charming sat up quickly, putting one hand protectively on Snow's shoulder and looking frantically around the room before realizing it was still too dark to see anything. Snow, always the lighter sleeper, rolled away from him, clicked on the bedside lamp, and answered the phone on the third ring.

"Hello?"

Immediately there was a torrent of quiet cursing from the other end of the line. "Fantastic. Put your husband on, majesty."

The voice was familiar,although muffled and hushed, and it sounded like the speaker was out of breath. Actually, it sounded almost like… "Gold?" she asked incredulously, looking over at her husband, who was watching her with concern.

"Charming. Now!" Gold snarled, sounding more like himself, and Snow pushed the phone toward her husband with a shrug.

"Gold? What's going on?" Charming held his head in his hand and rubbed at his eyes, still not feeling awake enough to deal with a crisis.

"Go to my shop – to the back room. There's a desk in the corner. I need what's in the third drawer. Yesterday." It was unmistakeably Gold's voice, but he was whispering hoarsely like he was trying to hide the sound, and he was breathing quite heavily. Charming straightened, concerned that something – or someone – had injured Gold.

"Don't worry," Charming assured. "But what is it I'm getting? Is everything alright?"

"Would we be talking if everything was alright?" Gold whispered fiercely. "You know what? Just go to the damn store for me, Charming. We'll stock up."

"What's going on? _What_ do you need me to get?"

"Gods, I don't care – ultra thin. Ribbed. Purple box." Charming heard Gold suck in his breath. "_Big_ box."

Charming's hand fell from his face, understanding suddenly breaking through his sleep-fog. "Gold! What! No! It's three in the morning, I'm not going to go buy you con—" Charming broke off, feeling his face redden, and lowered his voice to more discrete levels. "You're supposed to keep those on hand!"

"Ran out. It's been a….busy evening."

Charming felt his face grow even warmer. "Why can't you just –" he sputtered, waving his arm around despite the fact Gold couldn't see. "Magic some over."

"Not allowed to use magic," Gold retorted breathlessly. "I'm a bit tied up at the moment."

Not allowed…? Charming was about to ask about that (or maybe he really shouldn't – he suddenly suspected "tied up" hadn't been a metaphor) when he heard another voice in the background. A _female_ voice.

"Good news, Rumple!" the voice said cheerfully, if quietly and very muffled, as if he was overhearing it from a long distance. "I found a whole bunch that Ruby gave me! There's even some that glow in the dark…" The speaker dissolved into giggles. She, too, sounded familiar to Charming, who was doing his darnedest to place the voice – and not think too closely about the sort of glow in the dark thing that Ruby would give a woman to use at three in the morning.

Abruptly the woman's laughter stopped. "_What_ are you doing?" she said sharply, the voice getting louder, as if she was getting closer to the phone. "Naughty spinner, phone calls were _not_ part of our deal…" There were two sharp smacks, as if something hitting skin, and then Gold all but _groaned_ in Charming's ear before the rapid scrambling sound of someone else picking up the phone.

"Hello? Who is this?" The female voice was business-like and purposeful.

"BELLE?" Charming sputtered, finally recognizing the voice. Oh gods, of course it was…

"Oh, hello James. Can you tell me why my boyfriend was trying to call you so late when he knows very well –" her voice took on that sharper edge, and Charming felt a bead of sweat rolling down his back. "That he is supposed to be – behaving?" There was another sound of smacking skin, and this time there was a definite, masculine moan that rose up in the background.

"I, uh – I, that is—" Charming sputtered ineffectually. He looked wildly around the room, catching the eye of his wife, who was looking at him with concern. She mouthed "What's wrong?" but Charming could only shake his head, his eyes too wide, the phone pressed to his ear. In the background, he heard Gold saying something, although it was indistinct. Suddenly Belle's laughter sounded ringingly in his ear.

"Oh, was that all? Oh gods, he must be beet red…" She laughed again. "Very sorry to have disturbed you – _dearie_." Charming had the distinct impression of the woman giving him a rather mocking bow, rather like the imp they had both known in the old world. "Please believe me that it won't happen again. Will it?" There was another giggle, joined by a masculine laugh. Another sharp smack, and the laugh became a rather breathy moan as Charming quickly clicked the phone off, dropping it on the quilt. He looked up to meet Snow's worried and expectant gaze.

"Hon? What's wrong? What did Gold want?"

Charming shook his head again, passing the phone back to her. "He, uh, needed to find something. Also, in the morning, we're getting Emma to change our number."


End file.
